It’s ok

It’s ok if life gets hard. It’s ok if you get in a bad space. It’s ok to talk about your feelings. It’s ok to not talk about your feelings. It’s ok to do what you need to do to handle your shit. It’s ok.  

So many people say you have to do life alone when it gets hard, but you don’t. You have people in your life that will stand next to you. Please let them stand next to you.  

It’s ok.  


Y’all I’ve got so much going on right now!  

Some of it I can’t tell you. Some of it is still up in the air. Some of it is in talks. Some of it is being finalized. Some of it is being edited. Some of it is being shot soon.  

The next few months are going to be fun. I’m super excited to share it all with you.  

Been working on getting a hold of my PTSD and anxiety. I’m using CBD oil daily and it seems to be helping - I’m still trying to find the right dose for me. I’m also trying to make my apartment feel more like home. I know it sounds odd but I’ve been here for a couple years in the same spot but it just felt like a place to live. I’ve put art on the walls now, got some pillows on my couch, moved the tv into the living room, set the timer on my coffee pot, found a spot for my toilet paper in the bathroom, and moved my vinyl from storage onto a bookcase. I think it’s been helping me curate my own space for myself - which helps with the anxiety. I think. 

Right now, check out my Part One of a two part episode I did for Jordan and Emily’s The Self Podcast. Link here. Also, you can find them on Google Play and iTunes! Next week I will include a link for Part Two! 

I'm Late

Ok, so, I was supposed to be trying to get these blogs on Tuesday or Wednesday but I failed this week. It's Friday and I'm barely getting to this blog.

It's been a weird week. I've been taking low doses of CBD and feeling ok. But, also been stressed and busy so who's to say what's going on in my brain right now.

I am headed to Tess's book signing in LA on Saturday, so I'm looking forward to that. Making a day of it and heading to The Plus Bus for Winston and Whiskey, a party for the new big guy's clothing subscription box Winston. I also have two video pose coaching sessions this weekend, as well as my own shoot.

I am a little nervous for this shoot on Sunday and I'll tell you why: fat models doing the androgynous look are often heavily ridiculed. The shooting I'm not worried about, it's the trolls afterward. There's a dread that I can't shake. I know the photos will be amazing but I don't want to deal with trolls. Maybe I'll just take the comments off when I post them? I don't know. I get asked if I'm a man on a somewhat regular basis on social media - this will only fuel the phobia on the interwebs.

Next weekend is the Slut Walk though, and I'm thinking of going. Large crowds aren't my favorite but I may be there with a brand I started working with. I'll keep you posted. If you are going to the Slut Walk, send me a DM on IG and let me know!

Shameless plug for video pose coaching. I do video pose coaching now! Still doing a deal for $20/hr and we can chat via Skype, FaceTime, or Facebook. Email me and we will talk about some things and get you signed up for a slot - You don't have to be a model, in fact I love working with bloggers, influencers, executives, and activists all trying to give themselves the gift of self-confidence and angles.

This week was kind of rambling but it is what it is. I'll try to come back to mid-week postings.

New Things

I'm going to be looking into trying some new things for my mental health and it's scary. If you don't know, I've dealt with PTSD (and the anxiety that comes along) for a couple years now. Luckily, my paranoia and fear is very mild; flashbacks don't really happen much for me anymore. But this anxiety... 

Honestly, I think I had some level of anxiety disorder prior to PTSD and getting PTSD has exasperated it. When I first realized something was different, I went to my doctor and she gave me a low dose of anxiety medication. The psychiatrist took me off it in about six weeks because, apparently, the dose was so small it wasn't doing anything anyway. 

I dealt with my PTSD via therapy. It was fine. I was doing well. She gave me the go-ahead to have the option to end our sessions. That was great until a few months later when I was re-traumatized.  

This spring, I was out on a shoot and a man re-traumatized me through inappropriate sexual actions. I was not physically harmed, but my paranoia and insomnia came roaring back with anxiety in tow.  

It has been hard. Again. But this time I think I'm going to try something new. I'm educating myself and am hoping to try it out in the next month or two. 

Fingers crossed!